Worthwhile...

Come, celebrate Christmas with presence. The kind that lasts.

http://www.adventconspiracy.org/

Elliptical circles

She thinks that perhaps
if she spoke
in these elliptical circles

if she let these

it’s not that she needs to
conjure up the picture-perfect words
nor the right tenor of feelings
nor the perfectly robust theology
to validate existence

As if buoyed

As if buoyed
By some mysterious hope
By some fragile grace
That what is seen
Is not all there is

As if buoyed
By some frail strength
By those threads of prayer
Those steadfast hands
Of love

As if a God
Yahweh
Dances in the shadows
Smiling surreptitiously
Gathering hope
Bestowing faith

You will be ok
You are mine.

Oh merciful God...

of course I do not deserve your grace.
It is grace.
A good, grand thing to come home to...

What is left to say?

It's the end of the day, and I'm not sure what to write--there's so much to say, but what matters? Is anyone even reading this?

I've been thinking I would like my blog to have a wider readership, which would motivate me to write more regularly. So far, I didn't share this blog widely because I wanted the freedom to write my thoughts without worry about others' evaluations, but now, I want to have more interaction. Particularly, I want to write out my theological musings and foster some dialogue...please chime in! Your voice is appreciated, and matters.

Today, I had a phone interview for a part-time admin assistant job at a church (not mine)--went well, so in-person interview on Wed afternoon. Two tutoring center interviews this week, plus interview Wed morning for Grant Assistant jobs. Only the Grant Assistant jobs are full-time. Of course, I would prefer full-time, but realizing I need to make money in whatever way I can, short-term, while aiming for better-fitting jobs long-term.

Starting tutoring at another center this week, just two times, but feeling like my plate's rather full, esp without a car. Oh, boy. Feeling like I'm juggling more than I can handle...

One note of encouragement: I sat down next to a woman on the bus and asked her how she was doing.

"Doing well-I'm blessed."

"That's great. Why do you say 'blessed'?"

"Well, I'm alive and healthy and living another day. I have a job I know is from God..." She proceeds to share in glowing terms how good God is to her, how he's rescued her from drugs, and her children, and I am humbled. She commutes from Long Beach to Norwalk I think. I ask her what job she has, and it's cleaning offices. Huh--she's grateful for that job? Maybe if I knew more of her story, I would see the "miracle" of that job.

Ohhh, Pasadena...

You are beautiful. Calming. Enchanting. Could rival Portland in green-ness. Fuller: heritage houses you can take classes in! Or work! How cool is that??

The world is to open.

Who knows whether there is life on any other planet anywhere else in the universe, but there is life on this planet. And what is life like? Think of not knowing what life is and then finding out: a book suddenly learning how to read; a rock jutting out into the sea suddently knowing the thump and splatter of the waves, the taste of salt. You are alive. It needn't have been so. It wasn't so once, and it will not be so forever. But it is so now. And what is it like: to be alive in this maybe one place of all places anywhere where life is? Live a day of it and see. Take any day and be alive in it. Nobody claims that it will be entirely painless, but no matter. It is your birthday, and there are many presents to open. The world is to open.
~Frederick Buechner, The Alphabet of Grace

The reality of context

The reality of context:

Of course, it shapes us—
The streets that we walk-
Or drive
The spaces in which we pass from 8-5
The faces that grace our face
Daily
And sporadically.

Here was the gift she felt so close
She could not see
When, covered in threads of loneliness
She felt the hoarseness of her throat
Conjure up visions of
Surreptitious casualties,
The consequence of long-forsaken treaties.

What is she hoping for
She is not sure
When the curtains have fallen
And the wizard is no more.

That iconic grace kept her plastered to her side.
Hoping that momentous struggle
Meant something—anything—
To keep her striving against the tide.

If it were just a face to behold,
She could look up any number of strikingly arresting visages.
But no—what she longed for
Was to be beholden
Beheld
To be held
Be seen.
And that taste, that sip, was what moved her
To seek
To hope, that,
Seeking, she might find.

Of course,
She thirsts
For what matters.

And now, on to better--or at least, other things...

Today, instead of being glued to the computer screen looking for jobs, I:

~defrosted the freezer
~biked in the crazy heat for the first time since Vancouver (it wasn't the smartest thing I've done, but I do feel re-comfortable that I can bike again)
~got fingerprinted for my new part-time tutoring job with the school district. Oh, and signed that I affirm the Constitution.
~drank 3+ glasses of White Grape Peach juice and got a headache.
~had a dinner meeting with a couple from church about planning an evangelistic session.
~researched Hyundai Sonatas and old Acura Integras/Legends online. Dilemma: borrow some money for a newer car, or pay cash for an old car that could be a good purchase?

Huh. I guess I didn't do as much as I thought. Oh, well. Tomorrow's another day.

Lessons learned from a laptop-less week

I am:
~97% more likely to go to bed by 10:30/11pm because I’m less distracted
~83% more likely to feel lonely/disconnected from the “real world”—compounded by switching temp jobs
~53% more likely to feel less administratively on top of things—easy to forget/put off life admin tasks, like contacting the disposal company to pick up furniture
~47% more likely to be motivated to either maximize my time for applying to jobs when I’m at the library OR Gchatting or checking FB (the pendulum swings)
~39% more likely to feel off-kilter because I haven’t listened to songs I only hear on the Web or on my iTunes (Sandra McCracken’s “Shelter” or Oliver Schroer’s “Field of Stars”)
~100% more likely to appreciate that, as boundless as the Web is for connecting to one more person or doing one more thing at the simple click of a button, at the end of the day, the people and the place you come home to is what shapes you most subtle-ly and profoundly. As Steven Bouma-Prediger and Brian Walsh say in Beyond Homelessness, “The original and truly important worldwide web is biodiversity.”

I am writing this from my re-vivified laptop, thanks to a new adapter with a too-short cord. Thankful once again for the options it opens up, hoping to be more careful of how I use it.

On sale: Haagen Dazs, $3.49

She thought about the Crolows, Jenn with her mischievous smile, Carsten, with his earnest eyes. Gracie, with her irresistible white-blonde curls and sparkling blue eyes and the way she sits so comfortably in your arms. Evan, with his shy smile inviting you to his house on 5555 20th St. She thought about the luxurious Haagen Dazs bars they shared laying by the fireside after a scrumptious sushi meal, hand-rolled by Carsten himself--well, she and Jenn shared while Carsten put the kids to bed. She remembered them coming to her farewell party after Eastside Story Guild, first Gracie and Jenn; Carsten came along shortly thereafter with Evan. When Carsten asked, Why are you doing this to us?, regarding leaving, of course, she wondered why. Why was she leaving? She remembered when she first met them, or at least the two kids, when they came over to her house so Nancy could baby-sit them, and Jason somehow ended up hanging out with them for most of the time. She remembered a hula hoop in the mix, along with the ginormous exercise ball Nancy sat on at her desk, that the kids played with on the stairs. It got a little out of hand, and the ball had to be put away. She remembered learning about Evan’s middle name at another time—Jayber, of course, after Jayber Crow, one of Carsten’s favorite books, if she remembers correctly. She remembers them considering moving to the Sunshine Coast with two other families, the Wuests and the Neufelds, and Jenn’s excitement at a new/different life.

She wonders if it’s possible for Vancouver to get old to someone. If the glitz and the glamour fades because you are the one living the story, the one so close to the surface, the dull sheen is all you see. If you need someone else’s eyes to see. Or perhaps just some time, and some distance removed.

She wonders all this because she saw a box of Haagen-Dazs on sale at her local Stater Bros. store for only $3.49! And it wasn’t like the original price was something extravagant--$4.29, in fact, just a savings of $0.80. She remembers this because she pondered for a while whether to purchase this or Breyers ice cream, also on sale for the same price. She finally decided on the latter because she got more ice cream for her buck, quantity-wise. Quality-wise, is still yet to be determined. The box she bought in Vancouver was a lot more. But worth every penny.

So...I guess I still have a shot

I thought I would have heard back by last Friday if I was going to be interviewed for a job, but I heard today that I should hear back by this week's end about an interview. I'm not terribly optimistic about it, since I'm guessing I would've been contacted sooner rather than later, but I guess I don't know their timeline, and I can still hope...and pray. I must pray. So easy to get caught up in desperate longing and lose sight of what's most important--keeping in tune with the Spirit and moving in faithful obedience. Which means applying to lots of jobs this week. Which is easy to lose heart in. Please pray for me to press on.

Oh--and this job is directing spiritual formation at Warner Pacific, a small Christian college in Portland--would combine many things I would love to do: coordinate chapel, pastorally counsel college students, speak in chapel...the last one would be the one I have the least experience in, but I would love to grow in it, to be able to communicate biblical-theological truth in a relevant way to college students. How cool would that be for a job???? And in Portland! There's an intentional Christian community I could live with that lives really close to the school. Hard not to get my hopes up.

Grazie.

Death be not proud...

This week, I've been thinking about death--the death of a friend's husband, the dying of those many ugly things, ie. a sense of entitlement, inside of me that is not part of the reign of Light. I've been thinking about life, too--how it pops up when you least expect it, ie. a Japanese garden in an office building in Torrance. A 1 yr, 4-month-old boy who couldn't stop looking-staring, really-at me on the bus. How babies are such gifts of life, another chance at life, regardless of how they were conceived. Though there's so much death in this world, there's even more life.

I've been thinking about serving others and how little I "want" to do that, especially when the recipient is someone who irks you. I think there's something about dying and death there, too. Also, needing to let go of having to figure out the rest of my life...it's not possible; furthermore, God doesn't ask this of me. He only asks that I move forward faithfully. Moving is hard for me to do. But, I guess I'm seeing it's contemplation-and-action, as Parker Palmer would put it, that I need; I can step forward as I pray. I am more convinced that God does provide what we need to know to make the decision we need to make at that time.

Just an hour and a half ago, I opened an email from friends in Vancouver who gave birth to a boy, William. For some reason, this made me really happy. New life is here. There is hope.

Some in the wrong direction

...
Be like the fox who makes more tracks than necessary,
Some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.
~ Wendell Berry

Wonderland

This morning, at precisely 10:20am, I walked into Wonderland. Ok, perhaps it was technically the courtyard of 3625 Del Amo Blvd., home to Temp Agency E, but I was entranced. Bamboo shoots, bubbling fountains in stone pot, large smooth stones, Japanese-style garden...oh, man. What caught me off guard was that it was so unexpected--assuming I'd walk into yet another indistinguishable office building, and then to be hit with--tranquility. Beauty. Peace.

Perhaps LA is home to some breathtaking places after all.

Soooo tired...

of job-hunting. I just want something permanent.

A delicate wisp of lavender...

in a delectable white chocolate scone, accompanied by Ti Kuan Yin Monkey Picked Oolong Tea on a late Saturday morning at Tranquil Tea Lounge in downtown Fullerton.

Competing highlight of the day? Reading about God's plan of salvation including all of the created cosmos, not just our souls, in Howard Snyder's Kingdom, Church and World. Read just 2 chapters, had to stop so I could let the amazing truth seep into my soul--er, I mean body-soul. Being. Whatever.

Other moments:

~finding a pair of office-worthy, yet comfortable shoes that actually fit at Buffalo Exchange for $18. Wow.

~running into a $2 book by G.K. Chesterton in a new art gallery after reading local authors in indie mags.

~discovering 2 free regular events in downtown Fullerton: "Nerdy Thursdays" at Mulberry Ristorante, a variety show with live music, poetry readings...; and ArtWalk, first Friday of the month.

Thankful I could drive my mom's car today so I could access all this wonderfulness.

Limitations and longings

Limitations, longings, and what it means to honestly acknowledge both in job-searching and life-living at this particular juncture of my twenty-something life.

Any thoughts?

Beyond my circumscribed world

So, today I experienced once again the joys and wonders of public transportation. Thought it an interesting coincidence when I met a fellow passenger again on my return trip--I had met her earlier on the way "to". Anyways, she starts talking and won't stop. I debate between reading "The Externally Focused Church" and actually engaging. We wait like 20 min. for the bus, me silently hoping it'll come sooner, but to no avail. Well, I decide to invite her to church, seeing as it's on Imperial Hwy. and therefore accessible via bus. She accepts my bulletin with the address but comments that it's Father's Day; she might be busy. We exchange phone numbers.

Just now, I was reading reviews of C.S. Lewis books, and something made me think of how our world is bigger than just ourselves. And that makes me think of today--that maybe it wasn't just an coincidence that intersected Amalia's and my paths; perhaps God's trying to reach her. Which, really, isn't that much of a stretch in plausibility.

The risk of action

When we draw back from action, we are often motivated not by humility but by fear of risk. We risk so many things when we act: taking a fall, failing to achieve a goal, appearing incompetent, evoking criticism or competition or resistance or anger, or simply being ignored. But most of all, we risk exposing ourselves--selves at once strong and fragile, known and unknown--to the scrutiny of the world and, sometimes less mercifully, to the scrutiny of ourselves.

The greatest risk in action is the risk of self-revelation, and that is also action's greatest joy. No one can know us fully, not even we ourselves, but when we act, something of our inner mystery often emerges, and it can shock or delight when it does.

--Parker Palmer, The Active Life

Decisions, discernment

(Somehow, these two go together)

Thoughts, wisdom, prayers much needed and appreciated for deciding about accepting an offer to join L'Arche in Kansas--I need to decide by this Monday. I wasn't offered the case manager job that I was off-the-walls excited about, and initially wasn't excited about L'Arche, but lately am seeing the possibilities and goodness. One year commitment, with first three months probation, so doesn't feel overwhelming.

Observing at a group home tomorrow for residential counselor position. 18 month commitment. Haven't been offered the job yet.

Don't know if it's better to stay local, off to Kansas, or wait for a job in a location that draws me more, ie. Oregon.

Hoping if I go to Kansas, I can find spots of refreshing beauty, kindred spirits.

Twaddle...

...is a word. Typed it into my Word document as I wrote an experimental poem and the red squiggly lines didn't immediately appear underneath. Thought it a mistake, clicked on the thesaurus, and lo and behold, it's a bonafide word. Thus says Encarta.

Go figure.

The Left Way

If you’re feeling a little bored and have a hankering for seeing—or feeling—the world anew, give this a try: use your non-dominant hand (for most, your left) in everyday tasks, like washing dishes, opening the door, shoveling cereal, moving your mouse…you get the idea. Pretty soon, you’ll feel like you’re in kindergarten again, awkward and clumsy and wondering how certain things ever get done—how, for instance, do you get the last spoonful of cereal in your mouth when your left fingers haven’t quite grasped the finer motor skills of gripping the spoon handle just so, just the right way to scoop up the final flakes. Also, this makes you start imagining what being disabled is like…

The thing is, it’s not just your left hand that gets taken for a ride—your right hand feels awkward and off-kilter, too, as you switch your usual right and left-hand maneuvering combinations; your right hand takes over the motions assumed by the left, and vice versa. You can just see your neurons firing all sorts of synaptic links. (Hopefully, other links aren’t being severed. Tonight, I put our cordless phone back on its charger with my right hand, and missed it. Am I losing my right-hand capabilities?)

Such are the thoughts and actions possible when a full-time job or baby doesn’t occupy your minutes and hours. Ahh, the life. Other zany ideas welcome here.

Questions about job

What is most important to me? Learning to take care of a home, walk through daily life with people? Living close to family and friends? Friends move, I’m not that close to family…but maybe I can make the effort to reach out to family if I commit to staying here. I want to stay here because it feels more continuous than moving away to Kansas or Washington. Is there a big difference if I live in La Verne/Chino or Overland Park? Is it just the thought of moving again that’s overwhelming? I don’t think I should limit my search to 20 miles from La Mirada, but still…

Looking at Hillview Acres more closely, it looks like it would provide more counseling-y experience than L’Arche…

I think I want to commit to something, not just do something for a year or even two, and then take off. I want to commit to a cause worth committing to, a people, a place. In a word? Covenant.

How important is the suburban/urban/rural context decision? What about the level of interaction with peers? For this chapter of my life, what have you made clear to commit to? What are things I can want but trust you to provide, work out in your way, your time? What about the group of people to work with? Children? Abused? Adults with developmental disabilities? What have you given me a heart for? What can I grow in?

A good job-ing day...

Full of hope...

~job interview with a children's group home next Wed morn! Woohoo! Something nearby!
~got a call about a temp assignment, but wasn't confirmed...will back tomorrow.
~poked around Biola's job posting site, was excited about different summer camp counselor opportunities--not only in SoCal, but Vancouver Island, Portland, maybe even France! Probably too late for France, but pretty exciting the possibilities...
~applied to work at a Grille down the street, hoping for some cash in the interim...

also had fun catching up with good ole Vancouver friends:
~my friend Sarah, whom I hadn't connected with since I left, and just finished her MDiv!
~my old roomie Amy, who's moving in less than a month with the rest of the house to a place they got confirmed today! Woohoo!
-->both through Google Chat: not exactly on the phone, but opportunity to connect we might not have had otherwise...
~and dear friend Melanie on the phone. Good times! Ahh, she gets me...I'm not abnormal...or, if I am, we're abnormal together...

Ending with a scenic hike with dear friend Natalie...another friend who gets me...oh, and a Trader Joe's run with a chocolate truffle purchase...life is good...

Is May "Women's Month" or something?

In the space of one week, I've heard of four churches putting on: two women's teas and two women's conferences. Do they have some surreptitious network where they conspire about such things? Providence perhaps?

So...I was offered a job last week

I should've posted this sooner, but I was offered a job last week by L'Arche in Spokane! I wanted to ponder it more before I posted...? I guess I wasn't super-excited because it's not in SoCal, and the pay is hard to get by on...though a host of other benefits. I really liked the idea of getting to know people quite different from me, and learning to communicate in non-verbal ways, that verbal isn't the primary means of communicating...but I always love ideas, the reality is always harder--"iconoclastic," as C.S. Lewis would say. So, after deliberating and discussing with some friends, I decided the pay really wasn't enough for me now. So, I declined. But I applied to L'Arche in Kansas because the pay is better, live-able. Keeping myself in check, though, that I'm not doing this just for the money...

My legs are asleep. Can't count how many times that's happened this week.

Drawn by something bigger than myself...

So, I think the exciting, hope-giving thing about this job opportunity is that it makes me think there's a place for me in SoCal after all, a place where I can fit, contribute and become more of myself; aka, to be my own person (somewhat independent) in community...which means, that there may be a home for me after all, now and possibly long-term...

I just submitted my app! Woohoo!

Ohmigosh, I've never (for a while...) been so excited about a job!

So, an acquaintance suggested I look up jobs on Biola's job posting site, and I checked it today and got SUPER excited! I've barely been able to contain my joy! It's a case manager position in Bellflower to help those at risk of homelessness get stable housing! When I read the job description and qualifications, I could hardly believe it! It seemed to match both the skills I want to sharpen (ie. counseling) and my experience (liaising with different groups, working with the homeless) thus far! Like my last 6-10 years has tailor-made me for this! I don't want to presume, so I'm praying for trust and faithfulness...please pray for me, too.

I was also really excited to see that it's nearby (I might not have to move), that the church in Bellflower is quite involved (which encourages me that the kingdom is alive and active in SoCal!), AND it seems meaningful to me because it's in pursuit of justice. Woohoo! Ok, maybe I should wait and see if I get the job, and then celebrate...but it has been immensely hope-giving for the last 5-ish hours, that such jobs and contexts exist! And hope is incredibly motivating and joy-giving...and making me do a little skip and hop every now and then...

Ok, Imma gonna go to bed now. Peace out!

Must Reading!

Inspiring, needed words...

http://www.simainternational.com/faith_resources.cfm

Take a few minutes to read, "Is Giftedness a Luxury?", 4th article from the bottom, by William Hendricks. Well worth your while, might even take you for a turn...

Grateful bummer

Spokane, Washington--I might end up here!

Well, all this wondering and pondering about teaching in Oakland is over--I just received an email gently un-accepting me for this year's cohort. I have to say, it's one of the few, if only, times I'm grateful to be rejected! :) Yesterday, I pretty much reconciled myself to the fact that teaching children in the inner city in a public school might not be the best route for me in this stage of my life.

So, on to possibilities that hopefully mesh better:

~I've been recommended to L'Arche in Spokane, Washington. I should be hearing from them next week for an interview. I looked up some photos there, and it looks gorgeous! I might be back in the Pacific Northwest!
~I heard from the Kansas church that their other candidate has been delayed in interviewing, so I won't know for another month maybe if they want me! At this point, I'm cool with that, so I can think it through more...
~An acquaintance in Portland suggested her workplace, that coaches college students, to me! It sounds like almost too good to be true!

As I talk with more folk, a few things in this limbo, interim, transitional time is certain:

-->pray
-->get anchored to a church
-->pray

And of course, success inevitably follows!

What you cannot not do

"Remember, giftedness is not about what you can do, but what you were born to do, what you love to do—indeed, what you cannot not do." William Hendriks, Is Giftedness a Luxury?

Unique and unrepeatable grace

"We rejoice and give thanks for every community member, knowing that each life is a unique and unrepeatable grace."

Spied on L'Arche webpage for Seattle...worth chewing on...

How picky can you be?

When it comes to choosing a job, can I wait to feel uber-excited? If I don't feel that, does that mean I don't care? Do feelings come later?

Church Personals

Why don't we have this?

Wanted: a church that:

~strives to live out community daily (even better, though perhaps nearly impossible: if most attenders live within walking distance)
~knows what it means to be Korean-American
~reveres Scripture without worshipping it
~is holistic: believes both body and soul are good, part of God's creation, to be honored
~cares about reaching the marginalized, and does something about it
~welcomes people from all walks of life by its DNA
~hopes in the coming of Jesus while inviting the presence of the Kingdom

If you fit this description, can we meet?

Dream Job

I guess it's fear--
here in this nexus
of praxis
and pistis
of dollars
and sense

in this need
for belonging
and becoming

what will nuzzle me forward?
what will move me into the here and now?
into
days of faithful living
hopeful breathing
nurturing courage
to fly the nest
and shalom
to come home to?

Job update

So, much to my surprise, I've been getting positive responses to some job applications:

~flying to Kansas next weekend (April 23-26) to interview, preach (to children) and teach. It's a full itinerary, confronting some of my biggest fears about preaching and teaching. It should be good experience.

~spoke with a L'Arche rep, need to decide which locations I prefer--Seattle, Syracuse (NY), Iowa, Kansas. Rural or urban? Would like the beauty of nature, but with the convenience and diversity and culture of a city--can I have both? One bummer: I would get a "living stipend" (amount depends on location), which I doubt would give me the oodles of cash I was envisioning (delusioning?) to get financially more on my feet. Also, felt I was rather incoherent in communicating on the phone for the first few questions, which I'm hoping doesn't affect their perception of me too much...

~looked up some stats for Oakland after talking with my stepdad last night--his perception: DANGER CITY, makes south LA look tame. He wants to make sure that I'm aware of what I'm going into, which I need to do...just felt so distracted by the preaching/pastoral thing...results of research? confusing--some residents definitely take pride in beauty/culture/diversity/etc. of Oakland, don't think it's as crime-ridden as portrayed by media, but those voices persist as well online...

Rather exciting to have options, but not sure if it's wise to pursue all these and to continue searching--I guess learning to prioritize and balance...

I'll be traveling two weekends in a row (April 23, May 1), hoping I won't feel too uprooted and off-kilter...

My reading is taking me for a turn

A slight twist on Dillard's wording in An American Childhood...nothing like skillfully crafted words to make you do a double-take:

~Jean Vanier's Becoming Human: similar to aforementioned books, I had picked it up before and hadn't been "taken" by it, but now--after being re-recommended to me, I restarted it and am hooked. Must read. Perhaps because I can relate so much to it right now...

The meaning of life

Wondering about this again...especially when I feel so autonomous...

one solution (to autonomy, not meaning): tell someone what time I turn off the computer so I won't be tempted to click on the next link...and the next...(the "someone" in this case is mom)

another solution (to almost everything): drink water. lots of it. This will help me focus on studying the science CSET. According to mom.

Destination: Oakland; Price: $$ one way; Payoff: Possibly priceless

Apparently, Jet Blue and Southwest are vying for business with such prices...appreciated.

Why am I looking into plane tix for Oakland? Interviewing for a teaching job there in less than a month! May 1, 6 hr long interview. And taking the multiple subject CSET one week later. Planning to check out some church communities as well--should be an experience...

Job-hunting can be such a roller-coaster: intensity in applying for something, wait, perhaps hear nothing, then...something! And then, more waiting...or studying, in this case. Discipline needed.

Waiting to hear RE:
~L'Arche
~Youth pastor job in Kansas: Can I preach? Don't know, haven't tried. Do I want to? Possibly. Not holding my breath on this job, but thought I'd give it a shot...
~a few temp jobs for upcoming elections.

Huh. Not that much--need to apply to more...up the odds...

Don't know why...

but lately, I've been loving listening to the girl groups Wailin' Jennys, particularly "Heaven When We're Home," and The Be Good Tanyas' "The Littlest Birds" . Good stuff.

Repentance: a long obedience in the same direction...

Stolen from Eugene Peterson.

Yesterday, I finished reading Anne of the Island. I love these series! I'd started it a few months ago, wasn't immediately entranced, and tossed it aside for more absorbing reads. Finally, I picked it up again a month-ish ago and was pleasantly surprised how quickly I was caught up in it.

Same thing for Annie Dillard's An American Childhood--had started it ages ago, didn't take, but am now loving it. What's the change for these scenarios? Certainly not the books. It makes me wonder how often I've done that--with other books, maybe even people.

Hence, amongst other thoughts...the words in the title. I want to look beyond the surface, past the first few pages, and really see--cut open the rock and see the glistening gem inside. Cliche? If it wasn't true. But it is. I want to see. I need to see.

Arggghhhh...just missed it

So, I just called my alma mater to find out that they had indeed closed the position for which I was most interested--Resident Director. Just this morning! I had thought of applying yesterday, but procrastinated in fear...teaches me a lesson, I guess. They don't have closing dates, but keep it open until filled or they determine they have enough applicants. Well, this morning, they determined they have enough applicants. Well, they don't--not mine. But I clearly don't have enough sway...so, nothing. Nada. Sigh.

I'm tempted to apply for a job that sounds somewhat interesting, but I don't think is as good a fit for me (as the RD job). But just to have an application out there...no, I should apply for jobs I want. That makes the most sense. How to find these jobs?

Word-less, or too word-ed...

As I pondered what new thoughts to pepper on this blog, I am blighted by a case of word-itis. Ok, I made that up--I mean, I want to say so much and yet feel frozen. But hopefully, just typing will get those noggin fluids flowing...

In the absence of such enigmatic juices...

Good things about the U.S.:

~Mexican food
~toilet seat covers
~cheaper prices (why are they cheaper? I don't want to think about it yet...)
~debit cards that double as Visas
~easier banking (no currency conversion to worry about, deposits available faster)
~everyone drives...which can be a downside, but is a plus because they are often willing to pick you up...
~SoCal: Korean food, Koreans, sunshine
...and, it's home. For me. For now.

The end of the beginning! or something...

After pondering, chewing, theorizing, hemming-and-hawing, I have finally decided to begin a blog! Acknowledging my ability to ramble, I will focus this first entry in:

~choosing a blog name didn't turn out to be much of a "choice" after all--all the other options were taken! Look these up if you want to find my alter egos: disciplineofgratitude, underthemercy, dailymiracle, quotidianmysteries, and deepgladness.

~I will not use this blog: as a replacement for engaging in real flesh-and-blood (and phone) relationships, an excuse to waste excessive time...call me (graciously) on it if you see me heading this way...

~I will use this blog to: keep connected with friends and family, dispersed and near; discipline myself to write daily because I love writing but I realize I need motivation in the form of time constraint and audience to actually write regularly; and to chronicle daily joys and agitations--the various gifts we are surprised with in an economy ruled, not by scarcity, but by abundant grace. Hence, the blog name. (And, an aspiration for viewing and orienting my life.)

~Gifts of this who-knows-how-long season in my life? (written a few days after arriving home)

*incredible sunshine-y weather: warm, but not hot; bill0wy clouds, silver lining
*troubleshooting connecting to the Internet in my parents' home and succeeding after various methods (the answer was surprisingly simple)
*difficult, but en-couraging, convos with family
*connections to potential employer organizations yesterday via network of friends
*comfortable home
*access to phone
*Korean food: simple but yum
*putting together my scrapbook of farewell cards from beloved friends in Vancouver, smiling, in awe of and thankful for the loving friends God has graced me with. I really don't deserve their care and kindness...

Thanks for reading!